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custard.soup's Journal

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

10:12PM - yeah.

Today was shit.
Got up felt like crap. Wen to school. Felt like crying all day. Came home. Did work...Still feel like crying.

Really want a fag. =[
Should never have started smoking.

I can't wait to leave this place.
Start again.
Im going to uni. I have to. Only way I can get away.
How much does that suck? I have To go to uni or I have to stay here and make my parents lives complete hell for years.

Christmas is going to be crap this year. All the forced family fun. Everyone sat round with false smiles. Pretending we're all ok. Pretending nothings wrong like nobody in this family ever shouts.. ever hits... ever hurts. Christmas has got to be one of the worst times of the year.

I'm going for a shower.
Then I'm going to bed.
&& I hope I never wake up.

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Current mood: depressed

Monday, December 18, 2006

10:57PM - =[

Journal.
Hate starting these things.
Never know what to write.

So... yeah basically I feel like shit. Kinda wish I had somebody to talk to. I don't. Tried to talk to Suzanne on msn, but shes not good with shit like that. Shes making Kieren talk to me. He isn't helping.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I mean... I spend ages thinking I wish there was somebody there for me. Georgie is a really nice guy and I like him, but I wish he would just use me. I don't want a fucking relationship. I know I'm gonna end up fucking it up and hurting him. I've allready fucked up this family. I don't think I could hurt anyone else. It would kill me.

I hate this. I've grown up being beaten up by one of the people I needed most. I just need somebody to be there for me no matter what I do. No matter how much I fuck up. But theres nobody.

I can't like George seriously.
I've allready fucked up.
I hate it.

Honestly. All I want is someone I can love who I'm not gonna hurt. Fuck it if they hurt me. I deserve that. I can't hurt anyone else.

Everything is so shit.
I wanna die. I don't wanna listen to people tell me how to make it all better. I don't give a shit if they know how I feel. I don't care if its all gonn aget better in the end. Fuck off. I just wanna forget everything. Stay in this room. Never be bothered by anyone again. Ever.

Gonna curl up in bed and cry.
Night.

Current mood: depressed